If you follow me on social media (which I doubt anybody really does at this point in time), you’ll notice I stopped posting on my Instagram and I stopped making videos for my Youtube channel. I do check them though, and I still tweet once in a while. So what has lead me to stop making new content? Well, I’d like to say I went “under.” I don’t mean under the table, underwear, under the influence, understand, underdog, understatement, not even underworld. (Whew! Talk about getting side-tracked)
Here’s a better explanation of what I meant: You know how people have “ups and downs?” Well sometimes, I feel way down that I’m below what is “down.” So I’m “under.” Does that even make sense? I’m not sure if that’s borderline depressed or something. It’s not the first time in my life that I felt it either. I just lose all possible motivation to do stuff that I really want to do and hide in procrastination.
I go “under” when I’m facing a big wall of change and a shitload of decisions. You can say I’m really bad at coping up with both. The last time I went through this, it resulted to me making a big change in my personality and making a decision that got me living on the other side of the planet. This is not as big as that though, but still, it’s something I needed time to go through.
When I quit my job, I had so many plans. I had amazing, make-my-dreams-come-true kind of plans. Nobody had any expectations of me, even if somebody out there did, I don’t think it comes close to the grandeur expectations I had for myself. The biggest flaw in what was picture-perfect in my head were the people I expected to be on the same boat as I am. I forgot the harsh reality that I am alone in many ways and that there are moments in life you cannot force your own timeline on.
I faced change when I least expected it and a major decision blocked my way. I guess I’m not too “adult” for life just yet because I just crumble down in times like this. So what saved me? The thought of a better second take did. I told myself that if I had it bad the first time, well then I just have to to try better the next time, right? I know I get to have another chance because I dared to give it to myself. I wanted to make up for the confidence and motivation that I lost. I wanted to start again, this time making plans and expectations that are attainable. I may have to start with a shitty job again but this time I will make sure I build something better out of it.
I guess you could also say I will stop relying on people too. I wanted to go places and try new things but it became rock solid to me that I should only plan for myself. Life has hammered that idea to me for years and it seemed like I never learn. Of course, I could only blame myself for thinking that people will revolve around me just because I want them to.
I am also going to stop chasing an awesome, picture-perfect life. Like I said, I’ll keep my expectations where I could meet them. Not everybody is cut off for great living. I kind of understand that now. If we all did, then don’t you think the world will lose its balance? I am honestly tired of reaching goals I know I set too high. Not that I’m settling for less when I know there could be more. I’m simply putting my feet down so that I could walk comfortably. Nobody could constantly fly with broken wings anyway.
Are you still reading? I just spurted a whole essay there. Lol. I guess I was gone for a while that the things I wanted to say just kept flowing. Oh well, on to a new chapter, eh? I will be back on making videos soon enough. I think I’m picking up a new hobby so we’ll see what I come up with. Thank you for keeping up with me. I am alive and well. I promise to be back with content soon!
Your Ryeness 