My First Tattoo

More than ticking off an item on my bucket list, getting a tattoo meant getting a proof. A proof that 1) my skin won’t betray me and 2) I do have something to hold forever dear.

‘What is it?,’ ‘Where did you get it?,’ and ‘Did it hurt?’ are just few of the questions I often get asked. I am used to these ‘cos they are very much the same ones I get for my piercings. Just like my piercing stories, I will try to answer all these for you here.

So the artist I worked with for this piece is the wonderful Elysse Marcus, a Toronto-based handpoke artist. I honestly chose her for a number of reasons but mainly because I knew her style would fit the tattoo I like to get. She interpreted my design peg so well and she really captured the personal touch I wanted to incorporate into the piece.

So my tattoo is actually a vine. The leaves are inspired by one of my actual plants, which is my favorite part about it. I also think it has a perfect balance of dainty and unrefined making it a good curious piece.

I chose to have this tattoo because I absolutely love plants. At the time of writing, I have around 70 different kinds of cacti and succulents. My love for them is simple but the connection lies deep.

Everything that has inspired me during this time of my life were brought about by plants and nature. “Resilience” and “growth” are two of the words that best summarize the things I learned and these are the same words that I want to remember whenever I look at my tattoo.

I cannot tell for sure if I will be adding ink to my skin anytime soon; But I’m sure that this won’t be my last botanical tattoo in the future. After all, the process didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.

Well that’s about it, really. Leave comments if you are curious about anything else at all and I will be more than happy to discuss them with you. Talk to you soon!

On my hiatus

If you follow me on social media (which I doubt anybody really does at this point in time), you’ll notice I stopped posting on my Instagram and I stopped making videos for my Youtube channel. I do check them though, and I still tweet once in a while. So what has lead me to stop making new content? Well, I’d like to say I went “under.” I don’t mean under the table, underwear, under the influence, understand, underdog, understatement, not even underworld. (Whew! Talk about getting side-tracked)

Here’s a better explanation of what I meant: You know how people have “ups and downs?” Well sometimes, I feel way down that I’m below what is “down.” So I’m “under.” Does that even make sense? I’m not sure if that’s borderline depressed or something. It’s not the first time in my life that I felt it either. I just lose all possible motivation to do stuff that I really want to do and hide in procrastination.

I go “under” when I’m facing a big wall of change and a shitload of decisions. You can say I’m really bad at coping up with both. The last time I went through this, it resulted to me making a big change in my personality and making a decision that got me living on the other side of the planet. This is not as big as that though, but still, it’s something I needed time to go through.

When I quit my job, I had so many plans. I had amazing, make-my-dreams-come-true kind of plans. Nobody had any expectations of me, even if somebody out there did, I don’t think it comes close to the grandeur expectations I had for myself. The biggest flaw in what was picture-perfect in my head were the people I expected to be on the same boat as I am. I forgot the harsh reality that I am alone in many ways and that there are moments in life you cannot force your own timeline on.

I faced change when I least expected it and a major decision blocked my way. I guess I’m not too “adult” for life just yet because I just crumble down in times like this. So what saved me? The thought of a better second take did. I told myself that if I had it bad the first time, well then I just have to to try better the next time, right? I know I get to have another chance because I dared to give it to myself. I wanted to make up for the confidence and motivation that I lost. I wanted to start again, this time making plans and expectations that are attainable. I may have to start with a shitty job again but this time I will make sure I build something better out of it.

I guess you could also say I will stop relying on people too. I wanted to go places and try  new things but it became rock solid to me that I should only plan for myself. Life has hammered that idea to me for years and it seemed like I never learn. Of course, I could only blame myself for thinking that people will revolve around me just because I want them to.

I am also going to stop chasing an awesome, picture-perfect life. Like I said, I’ll keep my expectations where I could meet them. Not everybody is cut off for great living. I kind of understand that now. If we all did, then don’t you think the world will lose its balance? I am honestly tired of reaching goals I know I set too high. Not that I’m settling for less when I know there could be more. I’m simply putting my feet down so that I could walk comfortably. Nobody could constantly fly with broken wings anyway.

Are you still reading? I just spurted a whole essay there. Lol. I guess I was gone for a while that the things I wanted to say just kept flowing. Oh well, on to a new chapter, eh? I will be back on making videos soon enough. I think I’m picking up a new hobby so we’ll see what I come up with. Thank you for keeping up with me. I am alive and well. I promise to be back with content soon!

Dear Diary..

I was once dubbed “Piding” who I understood was the town’s crazy lady. I was countlessly compared to my brother who was effortlessly smart and charming. I wore a lot of tomboy outfits in between wearing my ‘girly’ ones and got looked at like it’s wrong. I got my heart-broken during a time when I felt like I only had that one person to rely on. My own mother told me that nobody wanted me when they found out she was pregnant.

The little things we say and do can make or break a spirit. I thought I wasn’t creative enough or funny enough. I thought I wasn’t smart enough or friendly enough. I thought I wasn’t beautiful enough. I thought I wasn’t enough. Every single day, I constantly feel that the world would have fine even if I wasn’t here.

God knows how much I beat myself up thinking that every bad thing I had to hear and feel was my fault. I work so damn hard to pick up my confidence after a night of crying on my own and go out the next day with a smile. I keep telling myself to love me more. This whole thing, it’s a process.

If this post reaches you, and you are in any way like me, I just want to let you know that you are enough. I know it’s a pain to work through all of the self-doubt but you can do it. Sure, you’ll have days when you’ll feel extra shitty about yourself or the situation you are in; But you’ll have better days too. You just have to hold on ‘til you get there.

I am a work in progress. I’m no better than anyone else who has insecurities and self-doubt; But I do what I can to feel better about myself. I try my hardest to love myself for who I am. I am proud of all my flaws and I promise to treat myself better than yesterday.

This whole experience of blogging and vlogging are a couple of my ways to express my determination in building my confidence even more. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a couple of people who sees me. For me, to be seen by anybody at all is a confirmation of my existence. I am valid, I am enough.

Thank you for going through this post. I just really want to let this out of my chest. Some people are trying. So you should try too. Be kind to everybody, even yourself.

Triggered.

This blog post is honestly a triggered response to a recent noontime variety show (in the PH) episode where a couple of hosts defined “Depression” as something that is “made-up,” “unreal” and “just a fancy name.”

You see, I just can’t stand it when people mock mental illnesses. They are as real the common cold! YES! Depression, anxiety, OCD and the likes ARE REAL. It can happen to ANYONE.

I think some people don’t realize that the brain can get sick too, much like your bladder or your heart. So yeah, before saying that something isn’t “real,” you may want to look up some facts. You have no idea just how hard and serious it is to deal with it!

If society puts such stigma on depression, all the more it will exist. If left untreated, this is life threatening! Just how many lives of young people, brilliant people, and loved ones do you think have been lost to a battle against depression? And how many more will be there?

People going through something like this need a positive and accepting environment. If such a big media platform mocks people who don’t even know how to get help, do you think they will ever do?

I admire people who continue to fight despite suffering from depression; People who try their hardest even just to get up in the morning; And their loved ones who continue to support them though some days are extra hard. Stay strong, you!

Well, I wish with all my heart that something like this doesn’t happen again. I just can’t imagine this kind of message staying in people’s heads. It’s just wrong!

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// I didn’t mean for this post to be my first official blog on this site; But in times like this, I must vent out some steam. There will always be issues out there that will personally affect me and trust that I will not simply sit around and keep my mouth shut.

Anyway, this is really awkward but WELCOME TO MY BLOG, I guess?//