I was once dubbed “Piding” who I understood was the town’s crazy lady. I was countlessly compared to my brother who was effortlessly smart and charming. I wore a lot of tomboy outfits in between wearing my ‘girly’ ones and got looked at like it’s wrong. I got my heart-broken during a time when I felt like I only had that one person to rely on. My own mother told me that nobody wanted me when they found out she was pregnant.
The little things we say and do can make or break a spirit. I thought I wasn’t creative enough or funny enough. I thought I wasn’t smart enough or friendly enough. I thought I wasn’t beautiful enough. I thought I wasn’t enough. Every single day, I constantly feel that the world would have fine even if I wasn’t here.
God knows how much I beat myself up thinking that every bad thing I had to hear and feel was my fault. I work so damn hard to pick up my confidence after a night of crying on my own and go out the next day with a smile. I keep telling myself to love me more. This whole thing, it’s a process.
If this post reaches you, and you are in any way like me, I just want to let you know that you are enough. I know it’s a pain to work through all of the self-doubt but you can do it. Sure, you’ll have days when you’ll feel extra shitty about yourself or the situation you are in; But you’ll have better days too. You just have to hold on ‘til you get there.
I am a work in progress. I’m no better than anyone else who has insecurities and self-doubt; But I do what I can to feel better about myself. I try my hardest to love myself for who I am. I am proud of all my flaws and I promise to treat myself better than yesterday.
This whole experience of blogging and vlogging are a couple of my ways to express my determination in building my confidence even more. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a couple of people who sees me. For me, to be seen by anybody at all is a confirmation of my existence. I am valid, I am enough.
Thank you for going through this post. I just really want to let this out of my chest. Some people are trying. So you should try too. Be kind to everybody, even yourself.